Identifying Abuse

Domestic violence is not just hitting. It happens when one partner tries to control the other partner. This control can happen in many ways:

• Emotional abuse (hurting your feelings on purpose)
• Money abuse (controlling your money)
• Physical abuse (hitting or hurting your body)
• Sexual abuse (forcing sex)
• Mind games (making you question yourself)

Abusers often seem nice at first. They build trust and love before they start being abusive. The abuse might not start until you've been together for a while.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Partner

They hurt your feelings:

• Call you names or put you down
• Make fun of you in front of others
• Tell you that you're not good enough
• Make you feel bad about yourself

They try to control you:

• Stop you from seeing friends or family
• Make you feel guilty for going to work or school
• Tell you where you can and cannot go
• Control how you spend your money
• Give you an "allowance" even when you earn your own money
• Choose your clothes for you
• Want to know where you are all the time

They don't trust you:

• Act jealous all the time
• Say you're cheating when you're not
• Text or call you constantly to check up on you
• Ask you to send pictures to prove where you are

They threaten you:

• Say they will hurt you
• Threaten to use a weapon
• Say they will hurt people you love

They hurt your body:

• Hit, kick, push, or slap you
• Choke or strangle you
• Pinch or grab you hard

They force sex:

• Make you have sex when you don't want to
• Force you to do sexual things you don't want to do

They mess with your mind:

• Blame you for their bad behavior
• Say the abuse is your fault
• Make you think you're crazy
• Ignore what you say or think
• Give you the silent treatment to punish you
• Question why you do things differently

They use your identity against you:

• Threaten to tell people you're gay or transgender
• Say police won't help you because of who you are
• Use your immigration status to scare you

They control substances:

• Get angry when you drink or use drugs
• Force you to drink or use drugs
• Use substances to control you

The Cycle of Abuse

Abusive relationships often follow the same pattern over and over. This pattern can make victims hope that their abuser will change. Remember - the abuse is not your fault.

How the cycle works:

1. Things get tense. The abuser starts making threats. They might threaten to hurt you or people you care about.
2. The abuse happens. The abuser hurts you. This could be hitting, yelling or other harmful behavior. They do this to control you.
3. Making up. The abuser tries to make things better. They might give gifts, say they're sorry, or promise it will never happen again.
4. The cycle starts again. After some time, the pattern repeats itself.    

Gaslighting  

Gaslighting is when somone tries to make you question reality. They want you to doubt yourself and what you remember.

This abuse happens slowly. You might not notice it at first. By the time you realize what's happening, it may feel normal.

The abuser is trying to:

• Make you doubt your memory.   
• Make you doubt yourself.
• Make you think you're crazy.
• Keep you in the relationship.

Common gaslighting phrases: 

• “You’re crazy – that never happened.”
• “It’s all in your head.”
• “You always make things bigger than they are.”
• "I never said that."
• "You're imagining things."

People who are being abused may act differently. If you notice changes in someone you care about, there are SAFE ways to help them.

Signs Someone Might Be Abused: 

• They pull away from people.
• They feel bad about themselves.
• They change who they are.
• Their partner makes all the decisions.
• Physical changes.
• Emotional changes.

Why People Might Stay in Abusive Relationships

It's important not to blame someone for staying in an abusive relationship. There are many reasons why leaving is hard:

• The abuser blames them for the violence.
• The abuser threatens to hurt or kill them
• They're afraid of more violence if they try to leave
• They hope the abuser will change
• They don't have money, a place to go, or people to help
• They're afraid no one will believe them
• People tell them they should "make it work"
• The abuser only acts nice around other people

Things to say:  

• “I love you.” 
• “I believe you.”
• “I am here for you.” 
• “I want to listen and understand.” 
• “How can I help?”
• “You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” 
• “I will be here when you're ready.” 
• “This is not your fault.” 

Things NOT to say: 

• Why don't you just leave?"
• "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
• "You're overreacting."
• "Why did you let them do that?"
• "I would never stay in a relationship like that."
• "I understand what you're going through."

Ways to show support: 

• Respect their choices.
• Be there for them.
• When they are ready, help them think of ways to be safe.

Things to avoid: 

• Don't cut them off to try to make them leave.
• Don't stop inviting them to things.
• Don't try to make decisions for them.
• Don't try to force them away from their abuser.
• Don't confront the abuser yourself.